The End of an Era - Part I

In recent years, the days leading up to this date have been filled with an excitement that blurs really into more pravalent moments of anxiety, nostalgia, doubt and denial.


Am i old? No, not really. Have i done enough? Done heaps from last year to this year. Am I afraid? Hmm...perhaps. But what of?


I couldn't say. I just get so progressively glum and grey that when the day finally arrives, it has escalated into sudden bursts of tears. This day is mine and if no other day can be special, can't I just have one day that is?


I took it pretty bad this year. This year more than any other. I was silently brooding, weaving a net of negativity to blanket over me to keep me safe and sad. I was beyond comfort and common sense.


Put simply, I was just not ready to turn 25.


Usually, having to go to work on your birthday is the fly that kamikazes into your freshly whipped chocolate mix. On my 23rd birthday whilst still in Japan, I took the morning off work, and woke up slowly. Went to a cafe for a breakfast sandwich and hot chocolate, took photos of my food (birthday food), took photos of myself (birthday face), then went into work. For some strange reason, it turned out well! But I never did it again for both my 24th and 25th birthday. Big mistake.


Everytime I saw or wrote today's date, tears would well up in my eyes. I was balancing on a shaky, emotional wire and failing quickly. Read an email. cry. Answer a phonecall. cry.


They already take every single day of my life from me, why should they take my birthday as well!? Then it hits me. Why did you let them? I was perhaps more upset with myself than with other people, for not making my own day special for myself. Heck, I'm here already. What excuse can you make for yourself? Plus it's a Friday, who wouldn't be in a 'I have a headache, I have to leave early' mood?


Some birthday this is turning out to be...