A Farewell in August

There are few who truly know, amidst the successes, celebrations, carefree photographs, excitable announcements of the past weeks, and the appearance of complete regularity in persona, that I am labouring through each day with the weight of deep sadness in the very core of my heart and my mind.

I sought strength in self-containment. In fact, in the first week I was petrified of others knowing, lest they give me concessions or treat me differently, and then I would only certainly be reminded of a painful reality. I wouldn't be able to hold it together.

Still there were people who, unbeknowned to themselves, tried to tear down my only avenue of strength - my silence. I couldn't bear to interact beyond the call of duty. I simply couldn't bring myself to go out because I was exhausted from playing normal. I sincerely apologised for breaking the initial engagement and begged please to trust that I had my reasons, but only to receive a response so cold. A response that threatened to crush my already broken foundation.

I uphold a perfectly normal exterior during work hours, but by the time I start heading to my car to leave work, I am already distraught. I let my tired body rest and let myself cry all the way home. I cried nightly, made up my swollen eyes in the morning, come into work with no signs of the night before, worked even more hours as the deadline closed in, and then come home and cry myself to sleep again.

All I want is to be there for the people I love. I am every one of their broken hearts put together because we are family. There is a void, even today - weeks later, that I cannot explain. I never saw it. I wasn't there. I am surrounded by thousands of kilometres of possible self-preserving distractions, but yet, my soul and body cannot deny what has happened. My deep-rooted connection to my family, is clearly unmistakable.

Someone is dearly missed, but will always be loved by family, whether from near or far, in thoughts or prayers. Rest & trust now in the arms of God.